It seems like each birthday comes around faster and faster. It is hard to believe I am 33 this month. I have never really felt old before or even had that feeling where I was worried about getting older or dreading getting older. Mostly I have enjoyed each stage as it came. However, this birthday was different. I feel like I am definitely saying good bye to the "child - bearing" part of life and I am not sure I am completely ready to make that transition. I have already gotten rid of all of the baby equipment and most of my baby clothes, but the "I want another baby" feeling has never left.
Lately I have often been asked if James and I are planning to have a third baby. Some of the people who have asked know our whole story and some are just making conversation, either way the question stirs up a great amount of emotion in me. Part of me wants to correct them and say "You mean a fifth baby?" I always thought that at age 33 I would have had the four children I have always planned on having. I just never thought that after four pregnancies I would only have two children. Tucker and Elizabeth are completely wonderful and fulfilling - they bring joy to every day - the kind of joy that makes me want to have ten more kids. (Not really ten!!!) I know that if God does not give me anymore I will be completely filled up with the two I have. However, I just don't know if I am ready to let go of the idea that there might be one more in God's plan for me. My head tells me that the timing for a another is wrong and that it is time to move on from the baby stage. But my heart has all of the love and desire to hold one more - sometimes I wake up in the night and feel like I have lost something but I just don't know what it is and I just want to find it. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.
I believe we are asked to live a life of faith - and right now I am trying not to live a life of fear. It is hard to decide what I am more afraid of ... being pregnant or not being pregnant.
Mostly, turing 33 has made me count my blessings. As I drove from Abilene to Arlington on Saturday - I couldn't stop myself from naming them one by one. Although I have no idea what the next year will hold and no idea what I want the next year to hold - I know I am happy to have such amazing people in my life now to take the journey with me.
Thanks to my family and friends for all the birthday wishes... I treasure them!