It seems like each birthday comes around faster and faster. It is hard to believe I am 33 this month. I have never really felt old before or even had that feeling where I was worried about getting older or dreading getting older. Mostly I have enjoyed each stage as it came. However, this birthday was different. I feel like I am definitely saying good bye to the "child - bearing" part of life and I am not sure I am completely ready to make that transition. I have already gotten rid of all of the baby equipment and most of my baby clothes, but the "I want another baby" feeling has never left.

Lately I have often been asked if James and I are planning to have a third baby. Some of the people who have asked know our whole story and some are just making conversation, either way the question stirs up a great amount of emotion in me. Part of me wants to correct them and say "You mean a fifth baby?" I always thought that at age 33 I would have had the four children I have always planned on having. I just never thought that after four pregnancies I would only have two children. Tucker and Elizabeth are completely wonderful and fulfilling - they bring joy to every day - the kind of joy that makes me want to have ten more kids. (Not really ten!!!) I know that if God does not give me anymore I will be completely filled up with the two I have. However, I just don't know if I am ready to let go of the idea that there might be one more in God's plan for me. My head tells me that the timing for a another is wrong and that it is time to move on from the baby stage. But my heart has all of the love and desire to hold one more - sometimes I wake up in the night and feel like I have lost something but I just don't know what it is and I just want to find it. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

I believe we are asked to live a life of faith - and right now I am trying not to live a life of fear. It is hard to decide what I am more afraid of ... being pregnant or not being pregnant.

Mostly, turing 33 has made me count my blessings. As I drove from Abilene to Arlington on Saturday - I couldn't stop myself from naming them one by one. Although I have no idea what the next year will hold and no idea what I want the next year to hold - I know I am happy to have such amazing people in my life now to take the journey with me.

Thanks to my family and friends for all the birthday wishes... I treasure them!


ross said...

Sara you are the greatest!
I love you and can't wait to see what this year holds!

Gardens of Lace said...

Thank you for sharing! We have been through loss of babies together and it is always somewhere in the back of my mind that there might have been another little one around here too. I will tell you though, that I do know that God is the only filling up there is. You know this of course, but even 10 babies :) can still leave you longing without that. I love you and love your faith and strength. Besides, you are young still and God can do amazing things in His timing. I love your writing!
your big sis

the wonder years said...


headless chicken said...

Your grandfather would be so proud of you all. We are priveleged to have an amazing spiritual heritage that most people cannot claim. I count that high among my many blessings!

Mary said...

I read your blog with great emotion. Be very sure and know this: God has chosen YOU for a very special purpose and is waiting for you to trust Him for the details that will follow. His timing is perfect. He will not disappoint you. I love your passion and I understand your longing for more. You are a girl after my own heart. I love you and am praying for you.

Mary said...
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